CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES

There’s a new comedy trend afoot – lead characters who see themselves very differently from the way the rest of the world perceives them. Seth Rogen in the recent release OBSERVE AND REPORT plays a psycho security guard who thinks of himself as an ace crime fighter. Michael of the OFFICE, Amy Poehler’s new character in PARKS AND RECREATION, the ballplayer in EASTBOUND & DOWN, all the way back to Will Ferrell’s ANCHORMAN and Ted Baxter’s anchorman.

It’s a rich comedy vein. Characters with an inflated self-importance are always funny (except for George Bush). And by far, the greatest, most hilarious example of this is Ignatius J. Reilly.

Reilly is the centerpiece of the funniest book I’ve ever read, A CONDERACY OF DUNCES by John Kennedy Toole. Ignatius J. Reilly is this highly eccentric disgusting sloth who believes everyone in the world is out of step but him. His distorted worldview is a riot and practically every sentence of this rather large tome will make you laugh. For my money, it’s a comic masterpiece.

The story behind the book is not so humorous, however. John Kennedy Toole wrote it while in the Army in 1962 at the age of 24. He then spent seven years trying to get it published with no luck. Toole was so despondent that in 1969 he killed himself. His mother continued to peddle around the huge smudged manuscript, finally getting it to author Walker Percy who reluctantly agreed to read it. Much to his amazement it was astoundingly good. With Percy as a champion the book finally got published.

And promptly won a Pulitzer Prize.

If I may be Oprah for a moment, check it out. Especially if you’re an aspiring writer with a spec script or novel and a stack of rejection letters. Don’t give up. You could be sitting on the next CONFERACY OF DUNCES. Be around to enjoy it.

Here are a couple of excerpts.

Ignatius explains what should be studied for a proper education:

"Then you must begin a reading program immediately so that you may understand the crises of our age," Ignatius said solemnly. "Begin with the late Romans, including Boethius, of course. Then you should dip rather extensively into early Medieval. You may skip the Renaissance and the Enlightenment. That is mostly dangerous propaganda. Now that I think of it, you had better skip the Romantics and the Victorians, too. For the contemporary period, you should study some selected comic books.... I recommend Batman especially, for he tends to transcend the abysmal society in which he's found himself. His morality is rather rigid, also. I rather respect Batman."

And finally, Ignatius has a run in with some women showing their art at a church. He is a hot dog vendor in New Orleans, by the way.

Ignatius lumbered over to the picket fence, abandoning the hopeless cause espoused by the wagon, and viewed the oil paintings and pastels and watercolors strung there. Although the style of each varied in crudity, the subjects of the paintings were relatively similar: camellias floating in bowls of water, azaleas tortured into ambitious flower arrangements, magnolias that looked like white windmills. Ignatius scrutinized the offerings furiously for a while all by himself, for the ladies had stepped back from the fence and had formed what looked like a protective little grouping.

"Oh, my God!" Ignatius bellowed after he had promenaded up and down along the fence. "How dare you present such abortions to the public."

"Please move along, sir," a bold lady said.

"Magnolias don't look like that," Ignatius said, thrusting his cutlass at the offending pastel magnolia. "You ladies need a course in botany. And perhaps geometry, too."

"You don't have to look at our work," an offended voice said from the group, the voice of the lady who had drown the magnolia in question.

"Yes, I do!" Ignatius screamed. "You ladies need a critic with some taste and decency. Good heavens! Which one of you did this camellia? Speak up. The water in this bowl looks like motor oil."

"Let us alone," a shrill voice said.

"You women had better stop giving teas and brunches and settle down to the business of learning how to draw," Ignatius thundered. "First, you must learn how to handle a brush. I would suggest that you all get together and paint someone's house for a start."

"Go away."

"Had you 'artists' had a part in the decoration of the Sistine Chapel, it would have ended up looking like a particularly vulgar train terminal," Ignatius snorted.

"We don't intend to be insulted by a coarse vendor," a spokeswoman for the band of large hats said haughtily.

"I see!" Ignatius screamed. "So it is you people who slander the reputation of the hot dog vendor."

"He's mad."

"He's so common."

"So coarse."

"Don't encourage him."

"We don't want you here," the spokeswoman said tartly and simply.

"I should imagine not!" Ignatius was breathing heavily. "Apparently you are afraid of someone who has some contact with reality, who can truthfully describe to you the offenses which you have committed to canvas."

"Please leave," the spokeswoman ordered.

"I shall." Ignatius grabbed the handle of his cart and pushed off. "You women should all be on your knees begging forgiveness for what I have seen here on this fence."

CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES. I wish I were you and didn’t know how it ends.

Comedy trailers

The eternal conflict between comedy screenwriters and the guys who make trailers: Invariably the trailer will give away the four or five best jokes. Now that’s good for discerning moviegoers because you’ll know in three minutes whether this is a movie worth seeing. If the jokes in the trailer are turds in the punchbowl (or if that specific gag is featured) you know you’re only in for an hour of a half of cinematic waterboarding. But if the jokes make you laugh then maybe there are others in there you’ll find amusing too.

Also, if there is any physical comedy in the movie whatsoever you’ll see it in the trailer. Pratfalls are to comedy previews what explosions are to action films. Pratfalls are such a staple of comedy trailers that they’re included if they don’t appear in the movie. In an earlier post I talked about how my partner and I were once hired to write five funny trailer moments for a comedy that had none. They filmed our gags, built the trailer around them and never put them in the actual movie. By the way, the movie did good business.

This practice even extends to dramas. If a character trips on the way to his execution they’ll feature that in the trailer to show there are lighthearted moments in death camp flicks.

Comedy writers and producers argue that giving away the five best jokes kills the surprise and hurts the movie. But here’s the dirty little secret: Audiences laugh at the big jokes ANYWAY. Even if they know they’re coming, even if they’ve seen them ten times already, they’ll still fall out of their seats. The trailer people are right, damn it.

And in romantic comedy trailers there will always be a scene where one member of the couple sees the other naked, usually in an embarrassing situation. Now if the naked person should fall out a picture window, land in a wedding cake causing it to get all over everybody and have a hilarious quip like “That better be the little bride and groom that’s sticking up my ass” I think the studio can guarantee the biggest opening for a Mike Myers movie EVER.

Netflix pick of the month: THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1-2-3

Not the one that’s out now. The real TAKING OF PELHAM 1-2-3 from 1974. It’s hard to believe that Walter Matthau and Denzel Washington would ever play the same role… and Matthau would play it better. But that’s the case here.

Unlike the remake, the original movie (taken from a novel by Morton Freedgood using the alias “John Godey”) was not driven by star power and splashy action sequences. It was a finely-tuned, unpretentious suspense thriller that held your interest every minute… and actually had some great funny lines.

Matthau as the transit authority dispatcher came with a cynical attitude, hardly your typical heroic figure but far more refreshing. Robert Shaw in the John Travolta chief villain role really sold the fact that he was the smartest bad guy ever. To outwit him would be a challenge. Travolta played it like Vinnie Barbarino gone bad.

The original film posed a couple of nifty questions.

How could a frumpy subway dispatcher outsmart a master criminal?

How could the hijackers escape a sealed subway tunnel?

A couple of quick notes: For some reason the movie doesn’t feel dated. I guess dark tunnels haven’t changed much in 25 years. And the four bad guys assume the names of colors (Mr. Green, Mr. Gray, etc.). Sound familiar? Quentin Tarentino lifted that for RESEVOIR DOGS.

The music by David Shire enhances the tension enormously, as does the crisp direction by Joseph Sargent (who cut his teeth directing TV). The screenplay is by Peter Stone, a sensational screenwriter and playwright. (Among his credits: CHARADE and an overlooked little gem, MIRAGE).

So travel back to the days when movies didn’t have to be blockbusters to be successful. When good stories were more important than good buzz. When the leading man could have jowls. Rent THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1-2-3. It’ll be the best subway ride you’ve ever taken.

Writing tip: Beating jokes

When is something funny enough? That’s a little hard to say since every example is different and every case is subjective. But as a general rule, whenever I write a joke I ask myself two questions.

Is it funny?

What would be funnier?

Just getting a yes on the first question is no easy task. And by funny I mean FUNNY. Not wry, not amusing, not lol, not smiley face, but something that will make people actually laugh. And not just people – strangers. It’s hard. It’s why they used to pay the big money.

So when you feel your joke has passed the rigorous mirth test it’s tempting to take a moment, pat yourself on the back for being a comic genius, and move on to the next triumph That’s what most comedy writers do.

Don’t be one of them. Ask the second question. How can you make the joke funnier? What’s a more offbeat reference that achieves the same result? What’s fresher? Is there a better set up? Is the wording just perfect? Or is there just a better line altogether?

Small example of a joke just to give you a sense of my thought process. When Manny Ramirez was suspended for violating baseball’s drug policy I was asked if I was surprised. My first thought was, “At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if Mother Teresa was a dope dealer.” The incongruity of Mother Teresa selling drugs seemed funny. But “is there something better than dope dealer? What I came up with is this: “I wouldn’t be surprised if Mother Teresa was a gun runner.” That seemed to suggest a funnier image, Mother Teresa haggling with terrorists over AK-47’s.

At some point of course you've got to land on a joke and go with it otherwise you can spend the next fifty years trying to get Liz Lemon out of a room. But don't just automatically settle for the first thing you come up with. That sounds obvious but you'd be surprised how many writers do.

A better example is the hilarious current release THE HANGOVER. How many bachelor party gone-bad-in-Vegas screenplays do you think there’ve been? A thousand? Ten? Four idiots getting shitfaced and in trouble in sin city is comic gold. But I bet none of those scripts had tigers, chickens, missing babies, and Mike Tyson. Okay, well most of them didn’t have Mike Tyson. But you catch my drift. Reach.

There’s an expression in the writing room – “Can we beat this joke?” Don’t settle. ESPECIALLY if you’re writing a spec script.

Eventually you’ll train yourself to automatically think that second question. It could be the subtle difference between good and “you’re hired”.

CHEERS: Rat Girl

Here's another one of my favorite CHEERS. David Isaacs and I won a WGA award for this one. Rat Girl. It has my favorite last line from any script we've ever written.

Happy July 4th!!

Hello from San Diego where I am on the road with the Dodgers and the Manny Ramirez traveling circus. From here we fly to New York then Milwaukee. A travelogue will follow.

But for today, a holiday question that could save your life.

Why the hell do people buy home fireworks?

How many fingers and eyebrows do they have to lose? How many trailer parks have to burn down before they learn?

What parent in his right mind with children would set off something called a 12 inch “strike force missile”? Or a “Mad Dog”, “Bazooka Bear”, “Titanium Cracker”, “Dragon’s Wrath”, “Big Mama Jama”, “Brutal Force”,“Nuke Power”, “Pull String Grenade”, “Assorted Color Ammo Smoke”, “Caliber Blast”, “Car Bomb”, “Big Earthquake”, “Jumboshell Fountain”, “Pyrogyro”, “Cracker Jack in a Box”, “Deadly Fire”, “Battle of New Orleans”, “Pay Back”, “Mucho Grande – small” (isn’t that an oxymoron?), “Air Raid”, or of course the ever popular “So X*@! Good”?

Explain to me where these are “safe and SANE”.

Better to go to a city park, ballpark, or Steven Spielberg’s house. Enter a 5K race, cheer on a parade and pray that the grand marshall is someone more impressive than Bob Sagett.

Have a wonderful day. Display your flag proudly. And celebrate the greatness that was America – 1776 to October 2000. And January 2009 to the present.

Manny's back

Dodger slugger/goofball Manny Ramirez ended his 50 game suspension for violating baseball's drug policy Friday night in San Diego as the Dodgers begin a nine game road trip. I'm on that trip and will break in at any moment if there is important Manny news ... like he needs to tie his shoe. Every reporter not covering Michael Jackson is here. It's a media frenzy. Must get back to the game. Manny just walked to the Gatorade bucket. From San Diego and then New York and Milwaukee, this is your intrepid blogger/Dodger Talk host, Perez Levine.

Who was the last customer on CHEERS?

Thanks for your Friday questions. Here are four more:

From Bob Sassone:

Who was it who played the last customer at Cheers, the one who Sam told the bar was closed? I have a friend who insists it was someone famous but I say it was just part of the crew/cast/behind the scenes people.

That final customer was agent Bob Broder. He represented the Charles Brothers, Jimmy Burrows, and more importantly, me and my partner. Bob was instrumental in getting the show on the air and keeping it on the air. Also, he was (and still is) the best agent we ever had.

From another Bob -- Summers:

Do networks really buy shows that they know are only going to make it four or six episodes?

Networks rarely give orders, even short ones, to shows they don’t believe in. If they do it’s usually to fulfill a commitment. A number of years ago there was a comedian NBC wanted to keep in the fold as a possible replacement for Johnny Carson when he retired. So they gave this comedian a six episode order for a sitcom. They hated the resulting episodes so much they kept the show on the shelf for a year. Finally, they decided to just burn it off and air the show.

That show was SEINFELD.

In the past, when networks didn’t own the shows, they tried on several occasions to order six episodes and the studios balked (back in the days when they could). The practice was generally discontinued and shows got picked up for thirteen.

Still there were some short-order shows like for the summer. Our series BIG WAVE DAVE’S was one. Considering it got a 19 share and kept 100% of its lead in, MURPHY BROWN’S audience it deserved a better fate than six and out. Not that I’m bitter all these fucking years later.

Doug R has a good one:

How often does it happen that someone is hired onto a writing staff, and it turns out he or she isn't as good as their spec script or other sample indicated? How long are they given to turn it around before they're given the boot?

Back in primitive times (the 70s) writers were not hired on staff until they turned in a freelance script that impressed the producers enough to hire them on staff. That’s how we got our first two staff jobs (THE TONY RANDALL SHOW, MASH).

But now shows hand out very few freelance assignments. And if someone writes an impressive spec chances are several shows will want him. So to sign him the producer must take a flyer and put him right on staff. No longer is there an opportunity to test the neophyte writer beforehand.

So yes, way too often these people don’t work out. Their scripts don’t live up to their specs, they’re a zero in the writing room, they don’t get any better, and the dazzling spec script gave no indication that they didn’t bathe.

Generally, there are options built into their deal so that after six or thirteen episodes the producer can elect not to pick up their option.

But hiring writers today is like buying a house based on a couple of pictures you’ve seen on the internet.
And finally, from Kevin Stern:

When did you get your first chance to direct for television? What did you have to do campaign-wise to get the job and move out of the writer's room? Were you prepared for the task on your first day/week?

In 1994 I directed an episode of WINGS. The account of that experience is here. I had been auditing directors for several years and during my show running stints I often would reblock scenes, deal with actors, and oversee editing. I once asked Jimmy Burrows what’s the best advice he could give me in preparing to direct? He said, “Get the job” and he’s right. You can audit forever but until you’re the one in the driver’s seat you’re never going to really learn.

But how do you get that first job? In my case, I was lucky. I had been consulting WINGS since the series began so everyone in the production was familiar with me (and a few even liked me). Producers Peter Casey, David Lee, and David Angell took a chance and gave me an assignment. And David Lee was kind enough to spend a whole Saturday helping me with the camera blocking. So the short answer is I knew somebody and caught a good break.

What's your question??